I got back from a magical Disney vacation a few days ago, and I’ve been contemplating on how to share my magical experiences. I’ve landed on a do/don’t format. The don’ts are all things that we (my family) did, ergo we know why you should not do them. We did a few of the dos too, but not as often. There is definitely a magical Disney learning curve.

PS – this is all about the Disney World in Florida, not the Disneyland in California.

Do: Realize that you park your car approximately a small town’s distance away from the Magic Kingdom. You have to take at least two other modes of transportation after you exit your car to get to the park. It’s in a whole other magical place.
Don’t: Plan on leaving anything in the car to retrieve later in the day with the intention of returning to the park. It will take you an hour to do this because your car is parked in effing Narnia.

Do: Go immediately to the popular ride you want to magically experience and get a magical Fast Pass to go back later. This rules because you won’t have to wait in line for freaking ever.
Don’t: Try to do this with all the popular rides at once. They make you space them out. Bastards.

Do: Realize that if you’re there on a magically busy day, you will accidentally grope random strangers. It’s a fact.
Don’t: Let it bother you. Everyone’s accidentally groping everyone else. I gave and received more magical boob action than Mickey would ever think is appropriate.

Do: Get the magical My Disney Experience App. It tells you the wait times of the rides for which you don’t have a Fast Pass.
Don’t: Let your phone die from excessive magical Disney app usage. You’re then doomed to paper map usage and referencing the wait time signs like a damn cave man.

Do: Bring bottled water that you froze the night before so you can stay cool in the magical Florida heat.
Don’t: forget, because then you’ll pay $2.50 a bottle for the magical Disney water. You will seriously consider the health risks of dehydration when considering this financial butt rape.

Do: Use a magical paper map in addition to the app when trying to navigate EPCOT. We somehow got lost trying to get to the same place three times.
Don’t: Accidentally grab a French map if you don’t speak French. It’s not helpful.

Do: Try to visit every country in EPCOT’s World Showcase. The workers in the magical shops and restaurants are really from those countries.
Don’t: Expect the workers to behave stereo-typically. I watched a guy make a magical ass of himself trying to get the Canadian worker to sound Canadian.

The waitress was feeding my cousin’s daughter her greens.

Do: Visit the 50’s Prime Time Diner in Hollywood Studios. It’s done up like a 50’s house and the waitstaff act like strict 50’s parents. Our waitress made us say “please” when we ordered.
Don’t: Neglect to eat your magical vegetables. The waitress will feed them to you.

Do: In Hollywood Studios, ride the Star Tours ride more than once. It magically changes.
Don’t: Bring your kid on the ride if there’s even a remote possibility that he’ll magically pee his pants. You won’t enjoy the ride.

We didn’t visit Animal Kingdom, so if any of you have and want to add your own dos/don’t in the comments, feel free. I have one more before I close this post, though.

Do: Remember the fun stuff and try to forget the crap.
Don’t: Worry about the cost too much. When you look back at your magical pictures, you’ll find the trip was worth it.