Confession: I’ve gained about five pounds in the last couple months. I forgot this when I got dressed to work out this morning.

I decided to wear this lovely pair of 100% poly suede yoga pants. I’ve been wearing them to work out for a while. In fact, I bought them before I had kids. But I was at least five pounds lighter until now (not counting pregnancies and post-baby weight). We’ll call wearing these while ignoring weight gain Fail 1.

Fail 2 is deciding to continue wearing them after I noticed a placement problem. If the waistline was too low, I revealed an unholy muffin top. Too high, and that seam that starts just below the belly button and goes down and around through the crotchular area wanted to ride up in various uncomfortable ways. I decided to go with the muffin top.

Fail 3 is choosing to go to a combat class wearing the pants. The class is a combination of boxing, kickboxing, and martial arts. There is punching, uppercuts, and kicking – including the round house kick. If you’re unfamiliar with it, imagine leaning to the side with one leg bent upwards and kicking someone with your shoelaces. I believe Chuck Norris is famous for it. Chuck Norris also didn’t wear yoga pants while doing it.

Now if you think the muffin-top placement I had decided on lasted during the class, you would be wrong. Especially during the round house kick, that seam had to go somewhere. So not only was the seam getting fresh with me, the material was stretched out to accommodate my big butt more amplified backside and was being pulled and tugged with every kick. This seam had some pressure put on it. I have never prayed during a fitness class before, but I was genuinely concerned that the structural integrity of my pants might not be maintained. Thank goodness the seam held, because I don’t think the class would have appreciated seeing my laundry-day granny panties. I know, I’m a fashion goddess. I hope the folks from “What Not to Wear” aren’t reading this.

So what is the lesson today? Don’t wear tight yoga pants to a high-intensity fitness class, because when they do ride up in uncomfortable ways, you are in a room surrounded by mirrors and innocent bystanders and you won’t be able to remedy the situation. Also, if you’ll be doing round house kicks, dress like Chuck Norris.