This was the beach we visited.

Last week, I published a post about my family’s trip to Disney World. That was Part 1 of our vacation. Part 2 included lots of beach time. We live in a landlocked state, so this was special. In fact, it was my five-year-old’s first time to even see a beach in real life. Since we were so excited to log some coastal time, we crammed about 15 fun-filled visits to the beach in the three days we were near one. I believe this is enough experience to make me an expert on beach-going.

Below are five facts about every beach experience – in warm climates, anyway. This does not apply if you’re in Oregon in February. If you are familiar with the beach, I think you’ll agree. If not, use the list to prepare yourself for an eventual beach encounter.

Fact 1: By the end of your visit, you will have sand in every crevice, roll, and orifice on your body.

If you go into the water and then back onto the sand, which you have to do, the sand will stick to your feet. If you sit in the sand, it will stick to your butt. If you hang out in the shallow part of the water where the waves break, the sand will rush over you with the water. Hence, extreme sand acquisition. It will get into places that you think shouldn’t be physically possible, like your underboobs. Or in the case of some men, your undermoobs.

Fact 2: Sand gets really hot. Really. This comic explains it perfectly. Sandals are key.

This pic is on 9gag.com

Fact 3: Women mostly lie around.

Find the pic at themetapicture.com

The picture on the right illustrates this point, though its title was Men vs. Women At The Water Park. The principle is the same. The guys and kids play in the water, build sand castles, and bury each other in the sand. Very few women seem interested in those activities. I think I was one of maybe three women who actually entered the water. I can’t say I blame them. Lying around limits the opportunities for sand to hitch a ride home in your bikini bottoms.

Fact 4: You will freak the freak out when seaweed brushes your leg while you’re in the water.

The water is probably dirty. You  can’t see very far into it. You know there are marine creatures swimming around and doing whatever terrifying things marine creatures do in the water, including nibbling the toes and lower extremities of tourists. When you feel something in the water but can’t see it, your mind goes to the worst case scenario. You will scream like a little girl, regardless of your age and gender. Your solution will be to move ten feet away. This will happen approximately 59 times.

Fact 5: Riding the waves, however that is achieved, is awesome.

I’ve never surfed, but I have used a boogie board. On this trip, we just used our bodies. However you do it, riding the waves is a must. Even for the ladies. So get off the sand for five damn minutes and have some fun! You’ll be distracted enough that the seaweed won’t bother you. You will also prove Fact 1.

I’m back in my landlocked state now. If you visit the beach, share your indisputable facts so I can live vicariously through you.