The Ultimate Child’s Code Omnibus

Way back when I started this blog, it was solely a humor blog. I wrote about funny observations in parenting, teaching, married life, and pretty much whatever struck my fancy.

A few things have happened since then. The blog has evolved into a more “author” oriented endeavor, and readership has grown substantially. I’d like to get in touch with its roots, though, both for nostalgia and to give new readers a peek at my early brilliance (ahem). So I decided to periodically bring back some of those humor posts. The first of these is The Child’s Code.

The Child’s Code was originally a 4-part series. I’ve combined them into an ultimate, smashed-together omnibus that allows you to enjoy the entire series at one time. More points. More pics. More laughter (or cringing, as the case may be).

The premise of The Child’s Code is simple: all kids seem to know just the right way to pull off mischievous activities at the most inconvenient times. Kids who live across the country from each other somehow manage to do the same things. The only explanation for this is at birth, they were all given a secret book called The Child’s Code. In it are the rules of childhood ranging from infancy through the elementary years. I imagine kids must complete each item before they can start puberty.

I obviously can’t see one because I’m a grown-up, but based on the actions of my own kids and others I’ve seen/worked with, I believe I’ve pieced some of it together.

The Child’s Code


1.) The best time to fill a diaper is 7.3 seconds after a new one has been applied. You get bonus points if you fill it to such a degree that the contents are leaking out the leg holes.

cup-156743_12802.) The best time to run at top speed towards mommy for a leg hug is when she’s holding a scalding beverage.

3.) Complain about being hungry. Be very obnoxious about it. The second you have a meal in front of you, refuse to eat it.

4.) When in the sandbox with your little brother, convince him it would be fun to dump 15 pounds of sand into his hair. Bonus points if he’s already had a bath that day.

america-957522_12805.) On a road trip, when mommy and daddy have you go potty before leaving the town, don’t go. Say you can’t go. 10 minutes after you are out of range of anything even remotely resembling civilization, yell 1. that you have to poop! and 2. it’s an emergency!! Once they have found some random place to stop, do nothing. You get bonus points if you crack off silent-but-deadlies from the back seat for the remainder of the trip.

6.) The best time to have a massive diaper blowout is when your parents are in public and nowhere near a bathroom. Bonus points if they only have 1 wipe with them. Quadruple bonus points if that wipe is dried out.

7.) Put a pull-up in the hamper buried under some clothes so mommy doesn’t see it. They look really cool after they’ve gone through the washer.

8.) The best time to acquire a massive bruise or cut on your face is the day before you are to have professional pictures taken.

9.) This one is for boys – when you stand up to go potty, put your hands behind your head and swing your lower half around while you pee. Bonus points for hitting the shower curtain.

10.) Pretend like you’re not listening to mommy talking while you’re playing. Don’t repeat anything she says, except for the swear word. But don’t repeat it immediately. Wait until you are at church, and everyone is quiet.

11.) When your mom asks you to go get your siblings for dinner, don’t actually move to go get them. Stand six inches from her, and yell at the top of your lungs for them. When she gives you the “well, I could have done that” look, just smile and look cute.

12.) Fresh play-doh + clean carpeting = big time mashing fun!

13.) Wherever you walk, spin both arms around quickly like propellers. Bonus points if you knock a picture off the wall.

14.) If you have a new nail polish handy, it is probably a good time to paint a beautiful picture on the kitchen floor.

15.) Pick a kid movie that is very annoying to your parents (Little Einsteins or Dragon Tales are good options) and ask to see it 4,398 consecutive times.

silas hair

This is my own child. He inspired point 16.

16.) Sneak into your room with a pair of scissors and cut four inches of hair from the front of your head. Make sure you establish a long history of playing well by yourself in your room before you do this so your parents will suspect nothing until your handiwork is complete.

17.) If you’re awake at 5 AM, it’s completely reasonable for everyone else to also be awake. Bang on your wall until this is achieved.

18.) Napkins are for sissies. Wipe your messy fingers on the chair. Bonus points if whatever you’re wiping leaves a stain. Quadruple bonus points if it’s a holiday and you’re at Grandma’s.

19.) The best time to lose a ball or frisbee in the neighbor’s yard is 4.5 seconds after Mommy or Daddy has retrieved it from a different neighbor’s yard. Chances are it will just stay in that yard, but it’s worth a shot.

20.) Know what’s awesome? Knowing how to say your full name. Know what’s awesomer? Burping your whole name at the dinner table. This is especially effective if your mom is the only girl in the house. She’s outnumbered. Mwahahaha!!

Parents: do you have any items of the code to add?

11 thoughts on “The Ultimate Child’s Code Omnibus

  1. Pingback: Where the Bored Mind Wanders | Allison Maruska

  2. Hi,
    Here are my contributions 🙂

    Always refer to your parent’s youth as the Age of the Dinosaurs.

    Tell your parents you want a new outfit for Picture Day the day before picture day. Then have your parents run around town all evening as you veto outfits. By night, give them a break and negotiate on one. Then go to school the next day and forget to submit the photo form. Go home in your new outfit and let your parents figure out there will be no picture.

    Always eat blueberry pancakes with huckleberry jam when you wear a white shirt.

    …living the dream,


    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Child Code and Zombunniness | Dan Alatorre - AUTHOR

  4. I’ll add this: omnibus is a funny word. If you say it too many times, you kinda can’t remember what it means. If you say it to a five year old, she thinks you made it up – and will not change her mind even after you show it to her in the dictionary. Because Child’s Code.

    Liked by 1 person

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