My coworker gave me a small carrot cake. This carrot cake, in fact. Don’t worry, that small piece is missing for a reason.

I have a love/hate relationship with baked goods. I love how they taste, but not so much how they make my clothes shrink. So I’ve devised a 7-step procedure to enjoy baked goods without guilt.

Step 1: Admire the visual attractiveness of the desired good.

Step 2: Remove the plastic wrap to appreciate smell.

Step 3: Acquire a fork. Take a small sampling of the treat to assure deliciousness. You won’t want to double fork the cake. Or that’s the theory, anyway.

Step 4: Confirm deliciousness.

This is the step where I left off. Here’s what may be coming, though.

Step 5: Admit you want more than a sampling. Secure a small serving of the baked good with a clean fork (or with the dirty one, if you want to claim the whole thing for yourself). Replace plastic wrap to provide a barrier for future servings.

Don’t try the steps with this cake.

Step 6: Slowly consume the serving, appreciating it’s texture and flavor layers.

Step 7: Remove remaining frosting from plate with fork or finger.

Now, if this is good enough for you, congratulations. Many of us wind up at secret step 8, however. Mind you, step 8 negates the guilt-free purpose of the steps. But sometimes hormones win. I get it.

Step 8: Admit weakness and secure another, larger serving of cake. Repeat steps 6, 7, and 8 until crying or until cake is gone.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some carrot cake to eat.