I was recently discussing wine with a few friends. Don’t worry; the words “oaked” or “bouquet” didn’t enter the conversation. We were mostly telling funny wine stories.

For example, on one wine acquisition outing, I was approached by an employee who seemed to know a thing or two about the more popular wines sold at that store. This being a wine purchase, there was a certain air of, let’s say “snobbery” involved.

Wine Guy: (clasping hands in front of himself and tilting his head) What can I help you find today?

Me: (now unable to make a bee line for my box of red blend) Um, I’m looking for a red.

Wine Guy: Excellent. I have just the thing.

He leads me to a central area where many different wines are displayed and picks up a bottle.

Wine Guy: This is a very nice one. It’s called Bitch.

Me: *suppressed snicker*

I think it was hard for the guy to act wine snobbish whilst selling a product called Bitch. There are too many potential jokes involved.

I just can get enough Bitch.

This Bitch is so smooth.

And so forth.

Ahem.

So now I want to organize some kind of wine festival that involves only wines with really funny names, and the presenters have to wear black tie and act all serious. Whoever can go the longest without laughing wins a bottle of each wine. Here are a few to start:

Now, pick your favorite and pretend you’re selling it. And you’re not allowed to laugh.