Thanksgiving is five days away. Five. Right now, I’m thankful that I’m not at the grocery store.
We’re all thankful for the obvious things: family, homes, etc. But what are you thankful for that’s just silly? That you might even feel a little guilty about? That’s what I want to talk about. Here are my top ten. Feel free to share your own in the comments.
10. Laptop computers
I’m thankful for this because I’m lazy. I like sitting on my couch with my computer whilst I peruse funny cat pictures and make my friends look at them. Sitting in a chair at a desk is too much work.
9. Fragrant soaps
I especially like those handmade ones they sell at craft fairs. I’m actually a little surprised that no one in public has asked why, in fact, do I smell like a lovely geranium? Those soaps are awesomeness in bar form.
8. Bailey’s Irish Cream
Er. Mah. Gerd.
I would drink this stuff every night if it didn’t cost eleventy billion dollars a year to do so. For anyone who knows me personally, Bailey’s = Christmas gift idea for me. Wink wink nudge nudge.
Granted, I suspect that Pinterest is really a giant troll. But it has provided me hours of entertainment. I wish I could say it has provided me thousands of recipes, cleaning tips, and craft ideas, but I really just check out the humor boards. Sometimes I wonder if I’m a wife and mom in label only.
I know!! Ikea sells mass-produced, cheap products that you mostly have to assemble yourself. Maybe I should be ashamed, but I’m not. At all. I don’t know how they managed to sell us on that idea, but I love the crap out of that place. Our nearest Ikea is about an hour away, and whenever we have to go in that general direction for any reason at all, I look like Puss in Boots on Shrek 2 when he does that cute kitty face. Can we please stop at Ikea? Please?
5. Clorox wipes
I use these things on everything that isn’t human flesh. It has almost become a game to see if the wipes will ruin this particular material. It’s antibacterial science. All that’s left is for Mythbusters to blow some up just for fun. And while we’re at it….
I really wanted to dress my sons as Adam and Jamie for Halloween, but they weren’t going for it. There is nothing on that show not to like. Did you see the episode where they tested the effects of shit literally hitting the fan? That was poetry embedded in the scientific method.
3. Boxed wine
I bet you were wondering when I was going to mention wine. I further bet that you were not expecting me to specify boxed wine. Sure, it seems a little white trash to drink boxed wine, but they sell it at Costco and one box is equal to something like four bottles. So really, I’m helping the environment by converting to The Box. So there.
P.S. – Boxed wine is much easier to take camping than bottles. You’ll thank me later for that little tip.
You have to work in an un-air conditioned fifth grade classroom on a 95 degree day to fully comprehend the, um, degree to which I am thankful for deodorant. They should put it on fifth grade school supply lists.
1. Web sites and blogs that are funnier than I am
They amuse me and inspire me. They help me waste hours when I should probably be cleaning something with Clorox wipes. There are links to some of my faves on the right.
So there ya’ go. Go stuff your face with rich, carby foods, slip into a turkey coma, watch some football, and for the love of all things holy, stay out of the grocery stores.