I Will

/ December 17, 2015

I need to write from my heart today.

Last spring, cancer took my grandmother. Last fall, it took my other grandmother. Last night, it took my friend.

I wrote this as I lay awake in the darkness early this morning. I didn’t write it to win sympathy from anyone. I wrote it as a promise to them.

I wrote it for one and all of them. My wish is that anyone struggling this season will read it and find some comfort.

I Will

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I will not remember your pain, because your strength was so much greater.

I will not forget your kindness, even as the world shows how unkind it can be.

I will not worry about someone’s opinion, because it has no bearing on my legacy.

I will not judge, because I don’t know anyone’s whole story.

I will not squander what I’m given, because you showed me what’s important.

I will not forget to laugh, because you laughed until the last moment you could.

I will not take for granted my own time, because I can’t say how much there is.

I will not forget how to treat a friend, because you set the perfect example.

I will not be afraid to be myself, because you were confident in who you were.

I will not feel guilty when I forget these promises, because you wouldn’t want me to.

I will never hear that song the same way.

I will hold my babies closer.

I will ponder creation with awe.

I will act like a child and relish it.

I will count each day with my husband as a gift.

I will strive to live in balance.

I will enjoy dessert.

I will spend my money on experiences, not things.

I will marvel at how big the world is.

I will give to those in need.

I will remember your faith.

I will remember your courage.

I will remember your joy.

I will be thankful when I see you in my dreams.

I will laugh when I want to and cry when I need to.

I will hope to see you again.

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30 thoughts on “I Will”

  1. Pingback: What Did You Like? 2015 In Review | Allison Maruska

  7. My condolences Allison,

    We lost my mom, our best friend lost his mom and another friend died in the space of a year.

    My mom passed two days after Thanksgiving.

    That was three years ago, and still the holidays are hard.

    Thank you for this post and your wonderful thoughts!

    May you find comfort with your kids and husband this Christmas.

    Bless you and yours
    Arth

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  11. I’m so sorry, Allison. Your words hit me hard, but I needed to read this. I needed a wake-up call. I have been paralyzed and have remained isolated due to loss, fear, anger, etc., for several months. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. Hugs, Donna

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  12. So sorry for the pain the prompted this post. I’m glad you’re using your words to create space in your heart for healing, and that your loss has left you with a renewed purpose. Thank you for sharing this piece of your soul. Well done!

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  15. I’m sorry to hear that your close friend passed away.

    As I was reading this, I was like, this is nice. Sweet. Pained but with a huge streak of optimism.

    I kept reading, thinking this might be one of those poem type things that gets passed around on the internet…

    And I thought, well, this is a lot to try to do – and not try, but there’s a commitment in there, and I WILL statement that doesn’t say try. It’s a lot. Anyone would do these things for a while and then things happen and one day you don’t do one of them, you forget, or whatever, and I thought, well, I’m sure not gonna say that because this isn’t the time or place…

    Then you wrote:

    I will not feel guilty when I forget these promises, because you wouldn’t want me to.

    And I was like Ha! Awesome. Cos that’s reality, and that’s what a friend would do. Not bust your chops when you forget. Humans fall short on occasion.

    I’m glad you were able to enjoy so much time with a person who impacted your life in so many positive ways. I’m sure you feel lucky to have known her. In time, you will only remember the good things, without making an effort to do so. It takes a while, but it is a kindness God grants us, I think.

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  16. What lovely, touching, heartfelt words Alison. I’m sure they will resound with a lot of us. Losing someone close really makes you think about your own mortality and can make you determined to live life to the full. I’m sorry to hear about your losses but glad that you have such a positive outlook. 🙂

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