It’s dinnertime, and the hubby and I are catching up with world events by watching the evening news. This also means we are catching up on the latest commercials for prescription medications. This being dinnertime, most of the commercials are centered on correcting erectile malfunction, because that’s how America’s youth will learn about the birds and the bees. But we also have fine examples of medications that treat high cholesterol, bone loss, and dry eyes, among other conditions. These commercials all seem to have the same, um, prescription when it comes to production. These are what I think the steps for creating a prescription medication commercial must be.

Step 1: Hire some random, non-controversial actors to promote the meds. Senior citizens and middle-aged women with brown hair work nicely.

Step 2: Choose a “nature” setting, such as the mountains or a big grassy field in which to shoot the commercial.

Step 3: Get some indoor objects to place outside. Some options are a vanity, a stand-alone mirror, or yes, bathtubs.

Step 4: Find a guy with a deep, clear voice to describe the medication and side effects while the actors smile at each other and run their hands through the tall grass of the field.

Step 5: Define what the side effects are, and find a way for voice guy to describe all of them as quickly as possible. Use this Jeff Foxworthy video as an example. Warning: The video quality is extremely crappy, but it’s the only one I could find. It does get the point across, however.

Step 6: Choose an inappropriate time to air the commercial. Family times (like I illustrated above) are ideal for erectile dysfunction or colon health meds. Show commercials for asthma meds during a soccer game.

Step 7: Charge hundreds of dollars a month for the medications to cover production costs.

Just a side note: There are other products that claim to promote health on the air, and I would just like to say that my friends and I have never, ever, ever gathered to discuss our colons. Ever.

So there you go. Now you can laugh when you see these commercials instead of cringe.