I have arachnophobia. I don’t have to explain what that is, do I?

Part of having arachnophobia is finding creative ways to kill and remove spiders without actually having to touch them. I know they eat irritating bugs, blah blah blah whatever. The spider’s gotta go.

When I was 10 or 11, my aunt told me I could kill a spider using Lemon Pledge. I tried it on the next unsuspecting arachnid to grace my bathroom wall. It didn’t work. All I got was a white-foam-covered little bastard traipsing all over my wall. So I moved on to other chemicals. I eventually came to the conclusion that chemical warfare wasn’t the way to go. Unless of course, you use spider killing spray. I don’t remember how I killed that particular specimen, but I was a kid so I’m sure calling my dad over to rescue me was involved.

When I was about the same age, I was practicing my flute like a good little girl. A little troll spider decided to crawl down its drag line and just sit right next to my face, waiting for me to notice. Oh, hell no! I grabbed the nearest bomb I had, which was the music book I was using to practice. Me: 1. Troll Spider: 0.

I feel the cartoon is an accurate representation of the various ways I’ve killed spiders (FYI – I know spiders aren’t bugs, so don’t bother with that lecture). My personal favorite was the vacuum, until a friend told me that they can stay alive and just crawl back out after you turn the vacuum off. Well, crap. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but better not to take chances. I then went to the “hand to hand”, or more accurately, “hand to shoe” combat. Effective, but then you still have to remove the damn thing.

Then one day, all my problems were solved. I got a new cat, and low and behold, she likes to eat spiders. Of course, she likes to play with them first, which means they can get away. That’s a whole bigger problem altogether. But more often than not, she just eats them. And I throw up in my mouth a little. But hey, the spider is gone and no way is it crawling still alive out of my cat. So now I carry my cat around to the location of the offending arachnid, and it’s chow time.

Got any effective spider-killing techniques? Share in the comments! I’m always up for new ideas!